This won’t be a very introspective email—I’m not feeling well. The main update is that my viral numbers have come down, which is encouraging.
Self-attunement is about listening inward, without losing the ability to stay present with others. Self-absorption, on the other hand, is a loop of over-focusing on oneself—which can lead to behaviors like distraction, defensiveness, interpreting, assuming, and judging. Both are common human experiences. However, one brings connection. The other builds walls.
Hope and realism aren’t opposites. I’m learning to carry them side by side.
I’m also learning that expansion and contraction will be part of my life from now on (and it always was, but I didn’t pay as much attention to it).
“This is so hard. Please help me get through this. Please get me to the other side. But please… can I just get a break?”
The message I got, surprisingly clear, was: ‘Fight through your writing.’ And suddenly, I felt better.
For the first time in 15 months, I’ve been able to meditate again—something I haven’t been able to do since delivering Barney.
Today the results came back. Worst case scenario: I am experiencing severe kidney rejection. But here’s the thing: my doctors are optimistic. They caught this early.
These moments—like my first shower and meal—were not the triumphant milestones I expected. Instead, they highlighted the unpredictability of my new normal and how my experience of anticipatory cognition has shifted.
I don’t think people talk enough about the fleeting nature of immense gratitude and the sadness that comes with its fading. It creeps up in a walk or a moment, where gratitude and the recognition that it’s leaving come together. We also don’t talk about the slow, gradual mourning that follows as the mundane day-to-day life returns.
Before, when I looked at my body on dialysis, I didn’t have much hope. Hiking, Pilates, strength training—things I once loved—felt like they belonged to someone else’s life, not mine. But now, as I begin to experience this third iteration of my body, I can see it differently.
Barney’s been sick and being away from him has been tough. I have to remind myself: this is what I fought for. To be here. To have more time with him, even if it means waiting a little longer now.